There are many reasons that prevent a writer from working. The various distractions that arise during the day, out of new ideas, can't find the right words, sometimes you just can't find the right flow. Every sentence feels like a brand-new topic as if the period is the end of a long story. Am I finished? Making the whole project feel disconnected. So why would you continue if you can't even write without stopping to think about each individual word? Sometimes you can just start typing and the words just appear on the page. In my opinion this is something that happens to almost all writers.
However, there is a struggle that some writers suffer from. Depression.
Melancholy, or a persistent sadness, also called depression, is something that many people suffer from. It takes all of your motivation and just makes you feel like ass. You have no motivation to work because of depression, and then you get angry because of depression, which then makes you more depressed. It's an endless cycle. Which is why this blog post is so late this week. I was going to write about something different but ended up not having the motivation. Even as I write this I am struggling, but my partner suggested that I write about depression and why my blog wasn't posted on Tuesday. I thought it was a really good idea to talk about being depressed and how hard it can be to be creative.
I have been struggling with depression all of my life. However, I didn't learn about it until my twenties. Even after learning about depression and my anxiety, I still struggled with it, but I was getting help. Help takes time. It's been a while since I was diagnosed, but even after receiving help for years, I still struggle. I have a major event coming up in my life that I am pretty stressed about. Excited, but stressed. The closer it gets the more and more anxiety. With so much happening I worry that starting this website, and committing to it was the wrong time. This is something I am really passionate about. Even if it wasn't the perfect timing, it is something that I wanted to do and so I did it. I want to share my thoughts, and my stories with people. I work really hard on my books and am super excited about them. This is a good start to try and get everything written out and maybe even reach a large audience.
Sometimes I just want to give up. I get overwhelmed pretty easily. It's been happening more and more lately. Kind of just want to sleep and just stay asleep. Depression just pulls you in. It pulls you into the comfort of sleep and the lack of any stress. The worst part is that it can just happen. Like you can be having the best day ever, then all of a sudden you just get super tired, don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to do anything, just want to stop existing. It's like trying to pull thread through a pile of knives and not getting cut in half. A lot of people think that when people with depression say they want to stop existing they immediately think that they are talking about death. That is not true. No longer existing and death are very different. No longer existing means that you are just gone. Like a cloud of dust and just get wiped off the face of the earth. No one will even remember you. Death has a lot attached to it. Maybe there is an afterlife, maybe not, but people will remember you, and they will miss you. Sometimes we just think it would be nice to stop existing and just sleep.
Melancholy and the writer are two things that make being a published author pretty difficult. It is important to talk to people and ask for help. Easier said than done obviously, but that option is there. It does really help. I am doing a lot better now than even how I was doing last year. Still a lot of struggles, but I am working on it. Hopefully, in the upcoming months it will be a lot better!
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